And the journey begins...
Finding the right words can sometimes be challenging but it is through our words that where we communicate to others. 2022 will be an interesting year to see unfold. Who would have thought our world would still be battling with Covid?
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Many people will understand the expression, "Having to learn the hard way", or they went to the "School of Hard Knocks". Learning life lessons through poor decisions, difficulty and stress, is not the ideal pattern of life. One may hope to live a life where adversity does not exist and that life is smooth sailing in a Caribbean paradise. Although, "hard knocks" is difficult, it is only effective if the lesson is learned. We all know history repeats itself, but hopefully poor decision making will not. For many, unfortunately, people only give one chance and if a mistake is made or mistakes are made, they are written off, ignored, or discredited. Value is essential between individuals. It is more than a perception. It is enveloped in every part of life. Perfection is not realistic or demanding perfection in ones expectations of someone else. One of the most needed items with family, relationships, friendships, and working relationships is three words, forgiveness, and try again, or do over. Allow mistakes to happen and for learning to transpire so an action can be learned and not condemned as to devalue someone. Love forgives, love builds up, love enables, and a band of thread is much harder to break than a single thread or piece of rope. Even in the darkest of night, stars are always present and then the sun rises. Have you ever thought about what it takes to make a difference in someone's life? You hear stories about mentors, teachers, friends, or others who invested their time and significantly changed someone’s life. It could have been a single word, conversation, present/gift, or something special the person hears, see’s or receives that alters a choice or pattern in their life. Obviously for someone to invest their time and resources into someone it more than likely is someone they love, respect, or cherish. Another word for it is APPRECIATE.
By definition, Appreciate means “recognize the full worth of.” Every person has worth, whether they personally see/recognize it or not. It only takes a second to let them know they are “full of worth”. Appreciate also has another meaning that we all can understand, and it can help our vision when we see ourselves in the mirror and others who are important to us. A - Accept their past mistakes. No one is perfect. P - Praise them for their successes and accomplishments. P - Pray for them, each other, and better yet pray together. R - Recognize and Reward. Don't take each other for granted. Recognize and reward their contributions to you, your home, and family. E - Encourage. If they are overwhelmed, stressed, or "down", be there for them. Lift them up and let them know you are a team and are "in this together". C - Create a simple date together (concentrated time together) I - Initiate - don't wait on the other person, initiate ideas/patterns you want to see in your relationship. A - Ask how you can serve or love them better/more effectively. T - Tell them you love them and are thankful for them. E - Expect changes by concentrating on taking time together, expect changes. One of the best things about a relationship is building a real friendship together. It's been stated before that you can tell a married couple at a restaurant because those are the two who are sitting together quietly, or engrossed in their devices, not talking all that much. Dating couples are engaged, talking, and not consumed in their phones or other devices. Take a moment and really look into each other’s eyes, refocus your “sight”, work together for each other. The view will be spectacular. Where has the friendship or commonality gone? Yes, we all get consumed with jobs, careers, responsibilities, kids, chores, and the list goes on. One of the five "love languages" that are highlighted in relationships is "Time". Spending uninterrupted time together is a crucial aspect in a relationship. Question, how do you make friends? You talk, find things in common, spend time together, make it a point to find and make time for each other. I know I am not a counselor, but invest in a relationship book or guide that you can do together - the point is "together". Getting out of the norm and doing something together uninterrupted that allows you to reignite or fan a flame enables you to focus on each other, to prefer the other, and reconnect. It is too easy to go back into a rut or a normal routine. We invested into our relationships when they started, why don't we keep the intensity we initially had? If not the intensity, at least the consistency of our attention? Relationship are like stock portfolios or bank accounts. The more we invest the greater our return. This year has been overwhelming for many. The ongoing issue and dilemma of the Covid-19 pandemic has reaped havoc worldwide. It has restricted travel, limited family gatherings, caused extreme problems in food distribution, caused price inflation, and even made simple birthday parties a commodity. The worst issue is how it has affected families and the loss of loved ones. The other day I was counting the friends and co-workers I have lost due to death caused by Covid: 9 as of this writing. Four very close friends lost their husbands or immediate relative; all in good health, all in their 50's and one in their 40's. It has been the most unforgiving virus I have ever seen, no matter if you are great health or in poor health. It has been no respecter of persons. All are vulnerable for infection, even the vaccinated. A woman had a tatoo put on her forearm so it always starred her in the face, daily. She also made a quick reflective 60-second commercial called "60 seconds". It asks, what would you do if you knew you had 60 seconds left to live? Many would call a loved one, many would kiss their spouse and tell them "I love you", but the point was made to not live with regrets. It is wise to take advantage of the opportunities presented you, as long as they are moral, legal, and are healthy choices. The fact was clarified to not live in fear, regret, or wishing you had done things or to ask yourself, "What if...". One rule that I try to always follow is to say "I Love You" at the end of every phone call or if I leave the house so those words will always be the "last words" I would have said in case something should happen. Life is too short. Unfortunately, many have learned that hard reality this year and it makes one wonder, what were these individuals last thoughts or actions who lost their battle with Covid, specfically. I want my life to be filled with loving my wife, my family, and taking advantage of life as it unfolds - thus what many say is the "Present" of live, making everyday Christmas. We have heard these 4 words, "Once Upon a Time", many, many times as the beginning of a bedtime story. For most all of us, these words are the traditional beginning of a fairy tale. Unfortunately, fairy tales carry the connotation of untrue, false, or impossible events that happen. They are seen as fantasies, dreams, or unpractical hopes. I love to tell stories. It gives you the chance to create your own narrative, to dream, and ultimately control the moral of the story. This concept is not really life practical, but for me it gives me the opportunity to think out loud and let my heart open up freely and allow my "creative side" to breathe. One of the fun things about "Once Upon a Time" is the typical story of a prince, princess, a villain, and the ultimate happy ending. The two main characters join together, defeat the enemy/villain, and live happily ever after. How is this concept a fairy tale? It is the hope of every couple, marriage, and family. The "fairy tale" as they say is definitely an achievable story. The problem for most everyone is the answer to the question of How? The answer is not about romanticized tales of perfect body, hair, etc., but having genuine joy and peace in the middle of a mess or disaster. Possible answers to How include the following: 1. The Prince and Princess MUST ask the KING (God) to be a part of their marriage, union, and family. Fragile moments can be fortified. All things can be worked out. 2. Be selfless. Selfishness is so easy to choose because you honor yourself and get what you want. Selfishness is poison, "rat poison", to any relationship. 3. Prefer the other. Choose them not ourself. "Love, honor, and cherish". 4. Communicate openly and transparently. Our prince or princess is supposed to be our very best friend. I have seen (and heard) ladies that literally share everything together, even the deepest personal secrets. If we are not doing this with our spouse, then there is a major disconnection. Our prince or princess should know our deepest passions, desires, hopes, dreams, and especially our struggles. Sharing together, building together, discovering together, and When two work together, they will get a better return. They share security, strength and warmth. **There is no worse feeling than falling and the other allowing you to stay down or fallen and watch you struggle to stand again, alone. 5. Tear down molehills to prevent future mountains or even avalanches. "I do" is only day one. Day two, three, four and 2000+ starts by saying, “I still do.” Choosing permanence in a marriage and proclaiming "I will" and "I must" to ourselves when it comes time to practice the promises we made. Vows represent what we work toward and strive for throughout our entire marriage and relationship. CHOOSE US! Don't make the mistake of judging yourselves by others peoples relationship. Their relationship DNA is totally different that your relationship DNA. Always CHOOSE US, ALWAYS!! There may have been a time when a decision was made and you may have heard the words, "I did not have a choice." Regardless of the decision that "had" to be made, that was a choice. There will be times when an individual will be pressed for a decision - at that moment, when that decision is made, that is their "choice". There may be instances when one will feel their input is not important or feel they have any influence in the decision. By not speaking up, regardless, that is their choice. In every instance of life, we have a "choice". We can choose to speak up, stay silent, not get involved, try to intervene, to help, or not help. Regardless, everyone has a choice, it only matters how we use that option.
A simple example. Let's use a misunderstanding between friends or a couple. There is an argument, and both strongly feel they are right. Both have a choice. They can each choose to be stubborn and stand their ground (and potentially cause damage to the relationship because of pride), or they can choose to understand that being "right" may be the worst "wrong" ever. Relationships are not a competition. They are two imperfect people working together for the best outcome that compliments each other. Competitions create a winner and a loser, which may cause destruction and irreparable damage to a relationship. Being humble and preferring the other offers life, support, strength, love, value, and appreciation. Remember, “Love accepts immense imperfections; to love is to surrender to imperfect nature and the inevitable, to fully accommodate.” Excerpt From: T Whitmore. “Marriage and Intimacy: A Guide to Growing a Happy Relationship Filled with Love and Friendship.epub.” Apple Books. There are many "YouTubers" who create content on the best places to get lookalike items of high end items like Gucci, Dior, Rolex, Nike, and more. They take you into back rooms and hidden shops to purchase illegal copies. These special markets sell items much cheaper than the real or authentic item. Some individuals smell the items for authenticity traits, check their quality (stitching, thickness), and truly analyze the product for any defects, altered letters/logos or improper markings. In other words, these "shoppers" want to have something that looks real but do not want to pay the cost for the real thing. This is also known as Counterfeit - imitation of something valuable. If there is an item you really want, it is a wonderful feeling to finally be able to go to the store and confidently hand them the money (paid in full) you worked so hard for to purchase the desired item. The item is fully yours. But ironically, the attitude quite different when you purchase something that is fake or counterfeit. For many, there is a consistent fear of being "found out" or that the purchased item(s) is/are not real. In the 1970's, there was a British television show called "Keeping Up Appearances". The name of this alone grants merit to the above example of counterfeit - making something look one way when in reality it is another. Authenticity, realism, and being genuine are words that most seem to want and desire for their personal life, professional life, and more importantly, their relationships. Honesty is the absolute best policy. Again, trust is the one thing that takes a lifetime to build but can be lost in one second. Building a strong foundation of truth, honesty, and trust is essential for a solid relationship and future of security. Having confidence and faith in your spouse/significant other is one thing we all hope to have - no matter who else fails us or breaks our trust, our husband/wife should be the one person we can wholeheartedly confide in and should be able to go to in a time of need. A half truth is a whole lie. Omitting part of a story or explanation is not the truth - it is counterfeit. Not telling everything for "saving face" is untruthful. 99% of the truth is failure. Truth is truth - 100%. As stated before, if you turn a steering wheel 1 degree off of the straight path, you will eventually crash in the ditch - just 1%. One of our personal relationship core values is transparency and openness - being faithful to each other in all truth and honesty. "The elephant in the room" is an expression as old as Moses. The “elephant in the room” is a metaphorical idiom for an important topic/problem or issue that is glaringly obvious to everyone but no one acknowledges or mentions it. Choosing to ignore it is easier. The only problem with ignoring the "elephant" is it then likens to an infection; if it is not treated or cured, the infection will become diseased and toxic, possibly causing "amputation" or "death".
There are three individual images above that have been integrated into one whole graphic. The first identifies different ways the elephant is treated; Denial, Avoidance, Diversion, Ignore, and etc. The second image shows an elegant room (symbolism for a life, relationship, etc.) that has been destroyed or is in the process of being destroyed because of the effect of the elephant not being eliminated. The last image is the process of getting the elephant taken care of....communication and addressing it together. There are a few things I have learned in my life that are repeatedly true: (1) NO ONE can read minds, (2) COMMUNICATION is the KEY to understanding, (3) The dumbest question is the one that is NOT asked, (4) if one truly cares about the effect the elephant has on their family, work, relationship, friendship and/or life, they will 100%+ address the issue and then solve the problem. The next important strategy is to establish REINFORCEMENTS (other adjectives: fortifications, preventions, supports, aids, back-ups) to escort the elephant out. It is crucial to remember, elephants come in all sizes. Many times they can be large African elephants and they need to handled by more than one person - a partners help. Trying to "fix" or eliminate the elephant may be too difficult to handle alone. If it is your partners elephant, don't abandon them or leave to them to do themself. Help, encourage, guide, support, or whatever is needed (especially if it is your spouse or a loved one) to eliminate the elephant. Remember the elegant room? Whatever it symbolizes, it has to be put back together and some pieces may need to be replaced because they are broken beyond repair. Our relationships should not be to have power over the other, or to be the "boss", or be totally self focused. On the contrary, Jesus said, "Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one's life for one's friends" (John 15:13). So what does that mean? You may have to make the first move to make things right. The goal is the SOLVE the problem, live in harmony, and have intimacy - that closeness we crave. Maybe that is one of the reasons the Bible mentions (Ephesians 4:26) not allowing the sun to go down on one's wrath/anger; it may turn into an elephant overnight? "Clearing the air" makes way for Adult to Adult conversation and creates room for open and honest interaction, and ultimately the intimacy that we want again. There is nothing more special and amazing than an intimate, close, and uninhibited relationship!! Isn't that what individuals want? **Humor and honesty (are) can be good characteristics when addressing difficult or sticky issues, when used with courtesy and done appropriately. I am sure most of us have heard Bil Keane's (yes, one "L" in Bil) expression, "Yesterday's the past, tomorrow's the future, but today is a gift. That's why it's called the present." If you think about it, each day truly is a Present. It is one of kind. No day is identical. Each one has its own triumphs and struggles. I remember trying to sleep on Christmas Eve as a kid. No matter how hard I tried, the excitement for Christmas morning was unbearable. Trying to sleep was futile. The excitement of Santa Claus and knowing I had unknown and unexpected gifts awaiting me the next morning to rip into them. Christmas day to a kid can be one of the most memorable days all year. How can we make each day like Christmas morning? Is it even possible? Can we have days filled with excitement? Days that are memorable and have significant meaning? The answer is a resounding, YES! The most important question is, HOW? Without trying to sound, "cheesy" or "corny", here are 5 simple ways to make each day special or significant. 1. Leave random notes in unexpected places for your special someone. 2. Put your phone down and concentrate on "being there" with them. 3. Show gratitude to others. 4. Text them in the middle of the day, letting them know you are thinking about them 5. My favorite, sticking something under their pillow where they find it right before they go to sleep. Bonus: Throw their towel in the dryer before they get out of the shower so they have a nice warm towel to dry off with (& be sure to make the bed up while they shower). |
Author(s):Kevin and Mabel are a Ameri-Pino couple. He is American and she is Filipino. These are our thoughts and reflections about our lives and relationship together. Archives
January 2022
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